7 Questions You Need to Answer If You Want to Change but Don’t
How many times in your life have you heard someone saying that people don't change? Plenty, and just enough for you to start believing it yourself.
But guess what – it's an outrageous nonsense. We humans tend to focus on the negative side of things. And that is probably why the examples of people who never change stay more prominent in our minds.
Do you want to transform one bit of you life? Or do you dream about a profound metamorphosis of your character? Stuck in the wanting and dreaming stage that seems to be lasting forever?
Well then, I have 7 questions for you to answer yourself. We'll consider main reasons why do so many people give up on themselves and what to do about it.
1. The “Why?”
- You don’t want to change
- You don’t feel enough discomfort.
- Someone else wants to change you.
Without having a strong “why” there's no reason to go anywhere.
Let's imagine your family wants you to quit smoking, but you truly enjoy your habit and have no health issues related to it (yet). Truth is you have no real motivation to do anything about it. However, it's still all about you.
Now imagine that your partner wants you to lose weight even though you're far from overweight and you love your slightly curvy shape. This time it's not about you at all.
You have to crystallize the reason (and the person) behind your wish to modify your behavior, your character, or your body.
2. The “How?”
You don't have the necessary tools.
- You're not used to hard work and commitment.
- You have no role models or mentors.
You have a strong motivation, but you just can't get your head around the process?
During most self-transformation journeys people need to invest in themselves one way or another.
Attend seminars, read books, go back to school or learn online, find a psychotherapist, etc. Recognize and get the tools you need.
Your potential role models can already be all around you. Stay close to the right people you already know and get to know the right people you want to stay close to.
A bold way to get a mentor is to actually contact someone you admire. Write a letter, an e-mail, reach them through social media, or call and ask for a tip. Fortune favors the brave.
Hard work is a necessity for any significant development of your life and character. Nothing profound can be done without commitment and discipline. So start working on these too.
- You can't choose what's more important.
- You have something more pressing in your life.
This is my personal “favorite.” Having strong interests in several areas can be a burden.
You have to start prioritizing. Way before diving into your transformation, you have to decide what is that one most important thing you want to achieve now. Manage your timetable accordingly.
Remember, you don't have to choose for life. Maybe you can work mostly on that one thing for half a year or until you achieve a milestone. After that make the second thing in line your top priority.
You may be having a situation in your life that requires your immediate and undivided attention. Perhaps you're having a baby soon or you have to take care of your ill relative. Some things are more important right now so deal with them first.
- You wait until the right time comes.
- You wait for your muse.
- You wait for the right mood.
If it's not a life-and-death situation you find yourself stuck in that prevents you from action, chances are you're a procrastinator. No one's immune to it, but enough is enough and you know it.
There's no such thing as the right time. Time is always right. How much of it you have, though, depends on how much of it you waste.
There' no such thing as a muse. And if there is, it will be more pleased to find you already working.
There's no such thing as the right mood. It changes all the time. You can't let it control your life decisions, but you can and most certainly should start controlling it. Productivity is one of the best mood boosters anyway.
The “What if?”
- You fear the unknown.
- You get discouraged by your first failures.
- You underestimate the process.
A familiar hell is better than an unknown heaven. Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? But it's actually so widespread, it's unsettling
Life as you know it will have to change to make room for the new more exciting things and for the new more liberated you. Your comfort zone is just an illusion.
Also, don't forget that failure is a given in the process of change. You're learning how to be different and how to behave in new ways to achieve your goals. You can't do everything right from the start because you don't know what “right” is yet. You are your own unique project.
- Your environment is holding you back.
- Someone is holding you back.
Sometimes you can't do anything unless you get out of a destructive environment or relationship. Not wanting to change your physical and social surroundings can also be rooted in choosing the familiar hell.
Your tight-knit group of friends can seem like the loveliest people. But you may not even notice how their negative thinking discourages you day by day.
Or, say, you're in a loving long-term relationship. But have you ever wondered how your personal identity and your own dreams have been affected by it?
Your location can also be a significant reason for your inaction. Do you get enough sun and fresh air? Do you feel safe and cozy in your own home?
- You're afraid of who you're going to become.
- You don't believe in yourself.
Change in your life will inevitably require some degree of alteration in you. This can threaten your self-image.
Even dealing with such crippling mental states as long-term depression can be postponed by identifying yourself with it too much. People are unwilling to change if it involves giving up what they presently value in their character and behavior.
However, if you shake off all those things that might have been keeping you away from your true dreams, you'll simply take the shades off of your eyes. This is especially apparent when you free yourself from dependent behaviors and relationships that you've lost control over long ago.
Think of your journey as a way to explore other aspects of your personality. Think of it as a way to explore other kinds of life.